Christmas is a time of happiness, love, and family. It's filled with gift-giving and kindness and cheer. You can deck your halls with holly and, if you want, act overzealously jolly. You can eat and drink all of the cheese advent calendars, wine advent calendars, or whiskey tree ornaments your heart desires. Or, if you're anything like Dr. Seuss's most adorable "villain," you can rue the day Christmas was created.
Even if you don't actually hate Santa and all eight (or nine, hey Rudolph) of his reindeer, sometimes playing around is fun. That's why they've created a gruesome anti-advent calendar for grinches who hate Christmas and love grim jokes sprinkled with festive gloom. Behind each advent door in the gruesome Christmas anti-advent calendar is a treat just waiting for your inner Grinch to delight in with loud laughter.
"Things will get better. Sometime. Maybe."
The "they" in that last sentence is a company called Pechkeks. This company, based out of Hamburg, Germany, seems to be thriving on misfortune. That is to say, Pechkeks has created the opposite of a fortune cookie. These black, gruesome treats are Pechkek's Misfortune Cookies for a wonderfully macabre Christmas.
The Pechkeks website and social media channels thrive on phrases like "Black Cookies - Black Humour" and "These Cookies are for the Doom-Mongers." The look is just like that of a regular fortune cookie, trading the normal yellowy-tan color for a deep black.
"At least I believe in you. Me. A piece of paper."
Inside each Pechkeks misfortune cookie is some lovely note of impending doom. They're meant for the type of person where "every Friday is the 13th" and those who "are lactose-intolerant to coconut milk." Overall, we think they're hilarious. Others, though, may find them relatable.
There's no doubting that Pechkeks is fond of the dark, dismal, and macabre. That said, they've created a 24-day anti-advent calendar, perfect for creating the most gruesome Christmas ever. You can purchase it here if you're brave enough and really love unfestive jokes with your Christmas cheer.
The woe-filled black wheat pastry cookies are vegan and individually packed for all of the dead souls out there lamenting the rise of Christmas trees for the festive season in a few weeks. We're guessing that the anti-advent cookies will have horrendous, seasonably appropriate messages. If you truly hate Christmas, we can't think of a more perfect gift. What's more likely, though, is that you'll get this as a gag. Either way, we won't judge.