It’s five o’clock, or at least it is somewhere, so it’s time to drink a beer. As you kick up your feet, crack a cold one, and sit back to relax, you take that first glorious sip and the troubles of the world seem to magically melt away. Yes, this is the best part of the day, when you finally make it home and get to enjoy your favorite beer.
I know you’ve now transitioned into relaxation mode, but I’d like to pause for a moment and ask what you are drinking. I know, your favorite beer, I got that, but what is your favorite beer? Is it an extra bitter IPA? Or perhaps it’s a thirst quenching lager. Or maybe you prefer the bold body of a barrel aged stout. The reason I ask? For the sake of science; the science of pairing personalities with beer. Really, I’m no scientist. But I have spent a great deal of my adulthood working for brewery taprooms. This really qualifies me for nothing, but regardless, this is what I think your beer says about you.
Your Pick: Gose
You’re like the real life embodiment of a Sour Patch Kid. You can be sour as hell, but then once you get your way you’re sweeter than a Nutella stuffed double chocolate cake drenched in caramel that’s dusted with a Pixie stick – I really hope that doesn’t actually exist. Salty, spunky, and sassy, you’re a unique breed. Just don’t let anyone say “I told you so”.
Your Pick: Saisons
Unlike your fellow peers, you’re a sophisticated creature who prefers quite rural settings, reading books by the fire, and long conversations discussing revolutionary changes occurring in the food industry. Or at least that’s the image you portray. Really, you started your track to becoming a beer geek and just discovered this whole Belgian thing. Did you know saison is French for season?
Your Pick: Blonde Ale
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It’s pretty much all in the name. You’re super friendly, approachable, and bubbly. Sometimes a little too bubbly. You’re an expert on fashion trends, but get confused when folks start talking about anything scientific. It’s all good though, everyone is entertained by you.
Your Pick: Cheap Domestic Lagers
There’s two ways to go about this. Either you’re a light beer drinking, frat chugging fiend who wants to come up with all the ways in how not to drink a beer – see shirt over face example here – or you don’t like change. In fact you loathe it. You don’t understand what the fuss is all about with craft beer, and that’s like most things in your life.
It’s like the saying goes, “If it’s broke don’t fix it”. The tiny house movement pisses you off, anything with the word millennial immediately angers you, and you can’t understand what the deal is with this Food Network thing. It only makes you hungry. If only you could escape and go fishing right now.
Your Pick: IPA
Hoppiness equals happiness, and you know it. Because of this, everything revolves around beer, even your recreational activities. You can’t remember the last time you went on a hike without a can of beer. Which on the last one you suggested a post recovery pit stop at a local brewpub even though the hike only lasted 1.5 miles because you forgot to bring water. But hey, you had a beer in hand. Until it ran out. We know that’s really why you ended the hike.
Your Pick: Pale Ale
You’ve seen what the IPA did to the beer industry and you’re scared you’ll wind up being a beer nerd cliché who is constantly obsessing over rare beers and grows a beard. You’re also the designated driver so you want something with taste, but go for the lower gravity version of an IPA because you can only have the one while you sit back and watch everyone else imbibe.
Your Pick: Session Ale
The term even keel really does describe you best – and yes, that is probably your favorite beer too. You’re super mellow, easy going, incredibly friendly, and just want to spend the day hanging around in a hammock. You drink beer all day, but never manage to get intoxicated. Also, disc golf is your main means of exercise.
Your Pick: Stout
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You love to swing by the pub after work for a dark pint of the frothy stuff – usually Guinness – even if you’re not Irish. You enjoy engaging in conversations with those around you, a good drinking song, and buying strangers a round whom you’ve been talking to for the last hour. You certainly enjoy yourself, but at some point have to end all the fun because for some reason you are constantly craving fish and chips.
Your Pick: Porter
History is your favorite topic of choice and you somehow know a lot about it. Like a lot. Even though you didn’t graduate with a history degree, you can tell the person next to you more about President Herbert Hoover than the History Channel can. Which is pretty impressive. So is your museum sized collection of nautical antiquities.
Your Pick: Barrel Aged Beers
You’re bold. Sometimes a little too bold which can get you into a bit of mischief from time to time. You’re also a bit of a know it all, but don’t mean to be. You enjoy the finer things in life and read up on all the topics you find intriguing. You can’t help it if a topic comes up that you know a lot about.
Your Pick: Barleywine
You can’t explain why this is your favorite beer and neither can anyone else. Regardless, you wear shorts during the winter and can’t understand why others need to bundle up so much when you take them ice fishing. Log cabins with wood burning stoves make you happy and so does a warm, comforting bowl of home cooked stew. You also have a big grizzly beard, and not because it’s cool.
Your Pick: Brown Ale
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Laid back and mellow describe you best. You find complexity and amusement in things others fail to miss, and you don’t care if your friends call you boring. You like what you like, they can deal with it. You also really enjoy drinking a beer with food, because the brown ale goes with everything.
Your Pick: Marzen
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You are the life of the party when you’re around. You can make friends easily, but are terrible at responding to text messages or keeping up with birthdays. But hey, everyone loves you and you love everyone. You’re just a busy person. Life happens.
Your Pick: Pumpkin Beers
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Autumn is your favorite season and everyone knows it. You can’t wait to make all the things pumpkin spiced because you have an excuse, even though you make everything pumpkin spiced all year long. Also, you’re constantly trying to convince people this is the best beer style out there, but nobody will listen.
Not sure about you, but I’m somewhere between a session, saison, and IPA myself.